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letting go

Making Space for Change

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Letting Go

“Was it hard?” I ask.  Letting go?”…  Not as hard as holding on to something that wasn’t real.”
― Lisa Schroeder

In making space for change we sometimes neglect the power of letting go.  Letting go of the person we used to be, along with the habits associated with our daily routines.  It involves spending time getting to know yourself better, understanding what drives you and listening to the nudges guiding you to let go of who you thought you should be and become who you want to be. What do you need to let go of to chart a course for your dreams in 2023?

Update Your Thinking

“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.”
― Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

Sometimes we have to chart a different course and move away from others’ thinking to making our dreams a reality which requires thinking for oneself.  Seems simple but how often do you really think for yourself?  Do you use others to validate your thinking? Nancy Kline in “Time to Think”  shares that thinking for ourselves is a radical act and definitely not a popular activity.  She adds that many institutions and organizations thwart our attempts to think for ourselves.  Our early development of thinking for ourselves is often obstructed by our parents, siblings, teachers, peers and later on the organizations we work within.  Going against what others think can result in major losses in our young minds and create an environment that going along with others becomes the path of least resistance.

Curiosity also helps us think differently.  Chip Conley in “Emotional Equations” challenges us to be curious about our thoughts as he considers curiosity to be an activity without an intended outcome as well as a process for fertilizing the mind.  Curiosity opens us to learning as we reflect upon our own lives.  When we allow ourselves to let go of being right and become curious, we begin to think differently about ourselves and the changes we are considering making. Once we have created a process for ourselves which allows reflection and then thinking to emerge, we can begin to align our dreams and passions with the direction of change.

Gaining Clarity

“Many people think they lack motivation when what they really lack is clarity.”
  — James Clear

Many clients find that one of the biggest challenges in making space for change is getting clear about the change they would like to make.  Sometimes there is an inner knowing drawing us towards change yet is obscured by what we are currently doing resulting in confusion.  We may be pulled in so many directions that we often lose sight of our north star while embracing the comfort that stability and certainty bring to us without realizing that impermanence is very real.  The path of least resistance for many of us is to continue along the path of apparent certainty while ignoring the whispers and nudges arising from our passions.

Shawn Achor in “Before Happiness” suggests that clarity arises when we evaluate multiple points of views and then choose the most advantageous view.  In our coaching program, we also use the work of Chip and Dan Heath on decision making which is shared in their book “Decisive”.  What these three authors are sharing is that many times we only explore either/or options for clarity.  When we are looking at only two options we are often biased to one of the options and disregard the other.  However, when we explore multiple views before making a decision, we go deep enough to truly evaluate the best direction for change.

Greg McKeown, in “Essentialism”, also provides us with a framework for clarity.  When we focus on discerning between what is essential and what is non-essential, we ask ourselves which problem we want, recognizing that choice requires letting go of something.  Focusing on what’s essential also encourages to say no to things we really don’t want to do.  We find boundaries as empowering because they allow us to pursue what matters most to us as we align our behaviors with the intended change.  Again, the authors referenced provide guidance for letting go of what no longer is serving us.

Taking Action

Everything big starts little.
            -Author Unknown

All change efforts require a plan.  The purpose of an effective plan is to clarify and focus behaviors on highest priority initiatives and action steps.  This plan becomes your road map to success.  Imagine driving without a GPS-it takes much longer and sometimes we find that we have lost our way.  Therefore, we need a plan prior to engaging in our goals.  Resistance to planning is fueled by our drive to begin immediately on the goal to create instant outcomes.  One of the quickest ways to derail change efforts is to not have a plan for how one will reach success.  It is only when we give structure to our goals by planning the steps to accomplish them do we increase the opportunities for success.

Next, when changing any behavior, we have to be absolutely committed to changing it.  When I think about committing to change, I think about setting aside the time and investing in the plan we have established.  There are numerous applications for investing time in change from David Allen’s “Getting Things Done”  to Moran and Lennington’s “12 Week Year”.  There is also an abundance of writing on building good habits which I believe strengthens our ability to stay committed. Finally, choosing a framework for capturing our behavior is essential to staying committed whether it be a journal or a formal process.

After the plan and commitment to change, managing the goals becomes the final step of action. Several authors have supported the concept of breaking goals down into manageable parts.  Jack Canfield in “The Success Principles” 
advises us to break down our goals in order to avoid being overwhelmed by the expected outcomes.  Milestones will provide the needed forward movement and focus to keep going in the direction of the intended change.  David Allen refers to this process as going from the ‘Big Picture” to the nitty-gritty.  In getting to the nitty-gritty, we focus on behaviors and tools that allow us to accomplish tasks at the level that work really happens.  If these two resources are not enough to convince you of the need to break your goals down, just search the internet on the topic-there are at least three pages of references on how to break your goals down!

How can you use the concepts of making space for change to create a banner year for you?  What tools and resources can you begin to pull together so that you can have a fabulous start to 2023?   Global IOC has numerous resources and faculty that can help with the process of change.  If you have questions, please reach out!

Coaching in Stillness, Mindfulness and Reflection

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Coaching in Stillness, Mindfulness and Reflection

 

It’s the beginning of the new year, which typically brings a time for reflection and assessment of the past year as well as planning for the new one.  Do you find yourself jumping right into setting goals and taking action or are you taking the time to listen to that small quiet voice inside that wants to guide some of the decisions?  Ryan Holiday, in “Stillness is the Key”  shares that there are several methods for quieting the mind; becoming present, limiting your inputs, emptying the mind, slowing down and thinking deeply, journaling, cultivating silence and letting go.  This blog will focus on a discussion of these ideas.

Becoming Present

Nancy Kline in “More Time to Think” shares that listening is a creative force.  In working with clients, the quiet between the question and the answer can often elicit information that was buried and is now unearthed.  I was talking with a client recently who shared that she didn’t realize she was feeling guilty about a past relationship until she was talking with a friend and it came up out of the blue. This form of listening either to our own quiet or the quiet that a coach or good friend allows, is not to uncover or discover to make a move, rather it is to go deeper into what can be rather than what is.

Emptying the Mind and Cultivating Silence

Dza Kilung Rinpoche in “The Relaxed Mind”  believes that it is in calming the mind that allows insights to emerge that guide us to our joys, happiness and also to know who we are.  It is in learning who we are that we can determine what’s important and what is not.  Until we differentiate between the important and unimportant, we make everything important and lose focus.  Returning our mind to a relaxed state of presence brings a clear and undisturbed view of our lives that leads to the nuggets of truth we need to move forward.

Limit Input

Shawn Achor, in “Before Happiness” calls excessive input noise.  Achor believes that noise is any information that is negative, false, unnecessary or prevents us from being able to reach our full potential.  He places noise in four categories; unusable, untimely, hypothetical, or distracting.  A skill for everyone to build is the ability to filter through all of the information we receive on a daily basis to determine what is factual, usable, timely and relevant.  How often do you evaluate the external noise in your life based upon these criteria?  How does the noise in your life prevent you from limiting input?  Achor contends that if we just reduce the noise by 5% we can be considerably more successful with the endeavors we are engaged in.

Our thinking can also be noisy and add to excessive input reducing our ability to calm the mind.  Do your noisy thoughts lead to positive thinking or negative thinking?  Wayne Dyer in “You’ll See It When You Will Believe It” proposes that many highly respected thinkers from an array of different disciplines subscribe to the belief that thought determines how our lives will go.  Our thoughts determine our emotional states.  To borrow from Jim Loehr’s writings in “The Power of Story” our thoughts lead us into our emotional states which are opportunity based or fear based with noise being fear based.  When I am coaching clients, one of the most difficult concepts to understand is the idea that we choose our own thoughts-they don’t just happen to us.  A major improvement in your life can happen when you are able to recognize how noise impacts your thoughts-particularly the negative ones.

Journaling

When many people think of journaling, they have the image of a teenage girl writing about her dreams or even Ann Frank who shared dire circumstances during WWII.  Ryan Holiday shares that many of the great leaders and thinkers journaled daily as a practice of reflection including Marcus Aurelius, John Quincy Adams, Ben Franklin, and Queen Victoria to name a few.  The quiet that occurs when we are journaling can lead to a deeper discovery of ourselves.  James Pennebaker, in “Opening Up by Writing It Down”  shares that just 15 minutes per day of writing can lead to deeper thinking.  Daily writing can also help you slow down, watch your mind, and hold yourself still.  Finally, journaling has health benefits that can lead to clearing your mind which include; releasing feelings and stress, increasing self-awareness, identification of emotional triggers, and letting go of unwanted thoughts.

Letting Go

Something we are never taught yet is one of the biggest struggles we face as humans is the need to let go.  Letting go of expectations about self and others and wanting things to be perfect can lead to acceptance of what is and ultimately the calm we desire.  In Brene Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection”,  she invites us to let go of perfection and defines perfection as “the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.”  Brown shares that perfectionism serves as a shield that we believe will protect us when in reality it keeps us from letting go.  When we engage in perfectionism, we need the approval of others in order to feel good about ourselves.  Letting go of perfectionism is one step towards calming the mind as we no longer energize a false sense of self.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is being added as a practice that can grow stillness.  Williams and Penman in “Mindfulness: An Eight Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World”  share a few myths of what mindfulness is not in their book.  First, mindfulness is not a religion rather it is a way to train yourself mentally to calm the mind.  Second, it doesn’t require a specific position such as sitting cross-legged on pillows on the floor and can be done anywhere.  I have clients who practice it on planes.  Third, it does not require a specific amount of time.  However, it will require you to invest, persist, and demonstrate some degree of patience when building your mindfulness practice.  Fourth, it is not something you measure and give yourself a grade after doing as it is not something one is successful at or fails at doing. In fact, learning and growth can occur during every session.  Fifth, it doesn’t alter desire and/or drive for success, rather it allows you to see the world more clearly so that the actions you take align with what really matters to you.

This blog provided you with numerous tools that you can use to guide stillness, mindfulness and reflection as you move through 2022.  For a more in-depth discussion of stillness, please join Global IOC’s webinar and panel discussion on January 26 at Noon EST.  Zoom meeting link.