When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.
-Viktor Frankl
Reality architecture is not a common phrase. Highlighting a chapter from “Before Happiness” by Shawn Achor, we are guided through his conceptualization of reality architecture. It may seem like a difficult concept to wrap our minds around and yet through our thoughts and beliefs we construct our own version of reality. If any of you are parents or have siblings, you know that when presented with the facts about a given situation, the facts typically represent two different party’s interpretations of what happened. That’s exactly what reality construction is-how we interpret what is happening in our world and how we make meaning from those experiences. Understanding that we can actually choose our own interpretation of events is extremely freeing and opens us up to greater successes and happiness in our lives.
In building success skills as a reality architect, Achor advises us to choose the most valuable reality. Our ability to recognize that there are alternative versions of a situation and focusing on the one that will take us into greater success and happiness is the first skill to build. This means that we “get to” choose what we want to focus on, we are not restricted by a person or situation. In “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Victor Frankl chronicled his experiences in a World War II concentration camp. Later, as a therapist, he shared that when inmates focused on the meaning of life, they were able to tolerate their circumstances better which led to increased longevity. As human beings we assign meaning to what happens to us-the question is whether the meaning we are assigning takes us into a positive future or a negative past.
Other authors have connected emotions with reality construction. Chip Conley in “Emotional Equations” discusses the impact of exploring the meaning of situations of our lives with his use of the equation “Despair = Suffering-Meaning”. When we are able to focus on the potential meaning of what is happening and create our reality from that understanding we begin to minimize our angst and possibly empower ourselves to move through the event more quickly. Additionally, when we can examine our situations from the perspective of what is being learned and what can be gained, we just might discover important tidbits of serenity that can be carried through to other experiences. Although as a coach, I would not recommend that clients start with reframing the most traumatic circumstances in their lives, however there is an opportunity for most individuals to choose to reframe the more mundane situations in their lives.
Things become meaningful when we understand how we feel, think and act and then align our behaviors with our feelings, thoughts, and actions shares Reinhard Stelter in “The Art of Dialogue in Coaching: Towards Transformative Exchange”. The meaning making process begins with an examination of our values which are central to our identity. Through the process of values-reflection, clients can step away from what’s immediately in front of them to create moments of understanding and deepening self-awareness. It is through this reflection that previous experiences, knowledge and beliefs can be matched with expectations for our future. Using a collaborative process, Stelter believes that the coach and client work in tandem to surface both values and the meaning made from those values to examine perceptions and realities and then create the plan for forward movement.
Finally, a tool that is effective in reflecting on meanings about events comes from Byron Katie in “Loving What Is.” Katie guides the use of a turnaround to identify what is happening in our lives and then reflect upon choices regarding that event. A four-step questioning turnaround uses the following process: “Is it true? Is it really true? How do you feel when you think that way? How would you feel if you didn’t think that way?” We could change the last two questions to inquire, “what is the meaning you are making about the event?” and “how does that meaning lead to feelings of empowerment or disempowerment?” Continuing to ask ourselves whether the meaning made takes us into our best future or actually holds us back is a great way to begin shifting our thinking about our own reality construction.
As we begin to reflect upon how “third generation” coaching impacts the process and dialogue coaches engage in with clients, it is important to understand our clients’ values and the meaning they make from those values determine actions clients will take. It is through truly understanding these two aspects, values and meaning, that fruitful dialogue will emerge that includes gaining a joint sense of what’s at stake; what really matters and supporting coaching that is values-driven rather than purely outcome based.