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self talk

What’s Your Story

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“The stories we tell literally make the world. If you want to change the world, you need to change your story. This truth applies both to individuals and institutions.”
     -Michael Margolis

Nathan Furr and Susannah Harmon Furr share in “The Upside of Uncertainty” that “We live by stories, but you need to think about what kind of story you are writing each day and what you would like to be able to pull off the shelf at the end of this year – or at the end of your life”.  Since the beginning of time stories were the way we communicated with one another and link us to myths, legends, traditions, and symbols.  And yet, our stories can take us into or away from the best version of ourselves.

Stories are how we stay connected with one another.  It is how we share our dreams, our passions, our challenges and our joys.  Stories communicate what is meaningful and what drives us.  Stories create common ground between individuals that allow for deeper relationships.  Examination of stories helps us to better understand ourselves.

Stories can provide a degree of order as individuals look for certainty stories can provide structure, familiarity, a sense of predictability, and even give us comfort.  When we search for meaning, stories can give us mental models and cognitive maps in order to explain decisions, how things work and can help persuade others to go along with our things.  Our identities are created in stories and then shared with others.

Stories We Tell Ourselves

The stories we tell ourselves, often referred to as self-narratives or self-talk, are the ongoing internal monologues and narratives that shape our beliefs, perceptions, and self-identity. These stories are the way we interpret and make sense of our experiences, both past and present. A few key aspects of our internal storytelling follow.

Self-Identity. Our self-narratives contribute significantly to our sense of self-identity. They shape our beliefs about who we are, our values, and our roles in life.  Self-identity stories offer a unique perspective on the journey of self-discovery and the quest to understand one’s own identity in relation to society, culture, and personal experiences. A challenge in the current environment is the construction of self-identity based upon social media.  Social media can both reflect and influence individual identity, serving as a platform for self-expression, exploration, and social interaction. However, it’s essential to recognize the complexities and potential consequences of online identity construction and consumption.

Belief Systems. Integrated into the stories we tell ourselves is our belief systems and worldviews. They can shape our perspectives on various aspects of life, including relationships, success, failure, and happiness.  Joseph Campbell in his book “The Hero with a Thousand Faces” highlights the profound significance of stories in shaping human beliefs, values, and identities. Through the study of myths and symbols, individuals can gain insight into the universal patterns of human experience and cultivate a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them.

Interpretation of Experiences. Self-narratives provide interpretations and meaning to our experiences. They help us make sense of why things happen and how they impact us emotionally.  Jim Loehr in “The Power of Story” emphasizes the importance of the narratives we construct about ourselves and our lives, and how these stories influence our behavior, emotions, and outcomes. Loehr believes that by crafting empowering narratives and adopting a growth-oriented mindset, individuals can enhance their resilience, motivation, and overall performance.  Key here are the words construct and crafting.  It is the individual who determines the content of the story and whether the story is aligned with successfully navigating through emotional states.

Self-Talk. Self-narratives are reflected in our self-talk, which can be either supportive and empowering or self-critical and limiting. Positive self-talk can boost self-esteem, while negative self-talk can erode self-confidence.  Numerous authors have written about the topic of self-talk, which encompasses the internal dialogue or thoughts that individuals have with themselves.  In his seminal book, “What to Say When You Talk to Yourself” Shad Helmstetter offers insights into how self-talk influences behavior, emotions, and overall well-being. Helmstetter emphasizes the importance of positive self-talk and provides practical strategies for changing negative thought patterns.

Stories that Go Awry

When personal stories go awry, it can have significant implications for an individual’s sense of self, well-being, and relationships.

Negative Self-Narratives. Sometimes, individuals develop negative or self-defeating narratives about themselves based on past experiences, trauma, or internalized beliefs. These narratives can lead to low self-esteem, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy, hindering personal growth and fulfillment.  Dan P McAdams an author and researcher shares in his writing that negative self-narratives can lead to a fragmented or incoherent sense of self, which is associated with various psychological issues, including depression and anxiety. These narratives can undermine an individual’s sense of agency and self-worth.

Rigid Identity Narratives. Individuals may become overly attached to certain aspects of their identity or life story, leading to rigid and inflexible narratives. This can lead to a fixed mindset that limits the ability to adapt to change, explore new possibilities, or integrate conflicting aspects of their identity, causing distress and stagnation. Carol Dweck  in “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” highlights how rigid beliefs about abilities can limit personal growth. It is important to address rigid identity narratives to foster a more flexible, dynamic, and multifaceted view of the self, which can lead to greater resilience and personal growth.

Victim Stories. When stories that turn into victim stories, it can add an additional layer to the narrative.  Emphasizing the role of the individual as victim, they often highlight challenges, adversity, and suffering, often with the intention of seeking empathy or support from others.  Individuals may adopt narratives that position them as perpetual victims, blaming external circumstances or other people for their hardships and difficulties. While acknowledging legitimate struggles and injustices is important, perpetuating a victim narrative can perpetuate feelings of powerlessness and hinder personal agency and growth.  Although sharing difficult experiences can be a healthy way to seek support and connect with others, it’s essential to distinguish between seeking genuine support and engaging in self-pity. The tone and intention behind the story matter.

Brene Brown in “Rising Strong” touches upon victim narratives as part of a broader discussion on how individuals navigate difficult experiences and emotions.  Brown encourages individuals to acknowledge their pain and struggles without adopting a victim mentality. She emphasizes the importance of recognizing and processing difficult emotions while also taking ownership of one’s story and choices.

It’s important to approach victim stories with empathy and understanding, as many people who share these narratives are genuinely struggling with challenging circumstances. However, it’s also important for individuals who frequently share victim stories to consider how this narrative impacts their well-being and whether it aligns with their goals for personal growth and empowerment.

Retelling the Story

Byron Katie, author of “Loving What Is” introduces a method of self-inquiry that helps people identify and question the thoughts that cause suffering. The four-question process engages an examination of thoughts.  The examination includes Is it true; Can you absolutely know that it’s true; How do you react when you believe that thought; Who would you be without the thought?  From these questions, an exploration of the story emerges that allows individuals to re-tell and re-craft the narrative.

We are wired for narratives as we use imagination to create them.  When we tell ourselves stories, we begin to live into them as our brains do not recognize the difference between imagined or real experiences.  They are both created in the same way.  The narratives we craft lead to both emotional and behavioral responses which over time can create our reality.  A favorite coaching question has been “is that the story you want to live into”?

Take a moment to ask yourself what story you are living into.  Self-narratives can either promote resilience and personal growth or hinder them. Positive narratives often lead to greater resilience, while negative ones can impede progress.  It’s important to recognize that the stories we tell ourselves are not fixed but can evolve and be consciously shaped. Engaging in self-reflection, seeking therapy or coaching, practicing self-compassion, and adopting positive self-talk are strategies that can help you develop more constructive and empowering self-narratives that support your well-being and personal growth.

Turning Dreams into Goals

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“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”    – Harriet Tubman
“Are you the dreamer of your dream?” This is one of my favorite questions when helping clients clarify what they really really want. Can you honestly say that the path you are on is one that is chosen by you? Many of us are following the path we are on because it is convenient, simple, safe, etc. We may be feeling like there is something bigger out there but just do not quite have the time, energy and/or courage to pursue it. If this describes you, a quick scan of what is holding you back may be in order!

What’s Holding You Back?

What holds us back from being the “dreamer of our dreams”? First and probably the most important thing that holds us back is the influence of and decisions we made during our formative years. We may have made choices about our future that are based upon what our parents, siblings, teachers and even childhood friends thought we were capable of. Later, our partners and other relationships came into play. Although it is important to include the perspectives of these relationships in dreams along with the changes that might impact them, it is definitely not a promising idea to give full power for our decisions.
A second thing that holds us back is our tapes about ourselves which could also come from our formative years but also can develop from recent interactions with others, the media, and just beliefs that we have learned along the way. I call these messages “tapes” because they are on a continual loop in our mind. They include phrases such as: I cannot; I am not; you are not; you do not; etc. If you want to know what tapes are running through your mind, spend several moments each day in reflection. I promise you they will surface.

Are you Stuck?

Resilience researchers suggest that we can get stuck believing that our environments and adverse events determine our future when in reality it is our reaction to those environments and events that determine our future. The interpretation along with the meaning we assign to the events can determine whether we experience positive movement forward or a life of desolation and feeling stuck. Where in your life are your beliefs creating the future that you want to live into and where are you diminishing the dreams you have?
A close companion to other people’s tapes running in our heads is the actual self-talk we engage in with ourselves. We constantly talk to ourselves, and our self-talk becomes our reality as we live into those thoughts and beliefs. We do not look for reasons that enable us to live into our dreams instead we find examples and experiences that prove our dreams cannot become reality. Negative self-talk is extremely dangerous as the more frequently we engage in it, the more entrenched and reinforced our beliefs become. In fact, the most recent research in neuroscience suggests that negative thoughts look for other negative thoughts to connect with in our brains which even more solidifies the negative message. A very scary proposition indeed.

Reflect on Your Self Talk Daily

A good exercise is to reflect on your self-talk daily and determine where you are continuing the negative tapes. As you analyze these tapes you can begin to rewrite them both mentally and physically and shape them into the dreams you desire. Wayne Dyer in When You Believe It, You Will See It challenges us to transform our limiting beliefs into opportunities through a willingness to see situations differently. Imagine that you are a coach and are talking to yourself. How would you support and challenge yourself to see what you perceive as your limitations differently? What evidence would you share that demonstrates the possibility of your dreams becoming reality? As long as we ignore the proof to believe differently about ourselves, we remain stuck in others’ beliefs as well as our own unsubstantiated beliefs about ourselves.
Complacency can also hold us back. We get comfortable with the way things are in our lives and moving beyond them or changing them feels like too much effort. Yes, it is sometimes difficult to energize ourselves when we are comfortable, but we are talking about your dreams right? Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap shares that people can have what he calls an “Upper Limit Problem” and this problem prevents them from truly moving from complacency into their dreams. He asks the reader to respond to four questions.
  • First, am I willing to increase the amount of time that I feel good inside?
  • Second, Am I willing to increase the amount of time that my whole life goes well.
  • Third, am I willing to feel good and have my life go well all the time?
  • And finally, are you willing to take the Big Leap to your ultimate level of success in love, money, and creative contribution?
Answering yes to these questions will begin the movement out of complacency and into your dreams.

Are You Ready to Turn A Dream into a Reality?

If you are ready to turn a dream into a reality by setting a goal and following through with that goal, join faculty member Carol Assalian’s research study which explores how we move through challenges when engaging in behavior change.
The link for the research project is kaskor.research@gmail.com. Please register by July 29. It might be just what you need to jumpstart a goal you set earlier in the year!

High Achievers Have Grit

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High Achievers Have Grit

 

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”
— T.S. Eliot

When you think of the word “grit”, I am certain that you have your own definition of it. Steven Kottler in “The Art of the Impossible” shares that Sir Francis Galton was one of the first researchers to explore the connection to grit and high achievement. Galton believed that talent wasn’t enough to differentiate high performers from others, rather he landed on two characteristics which are “zeal” and “capacity for hard labor”. Later, Angela Duckworth in her book “Grit” agrees that achievement is more than just talent and the grit is about “passion” and perseverance”. In fact, Duckworth’s research has demonstrated that grit has twice the impact on success as academic achievement. Kottler believes that there are six types of grit that lead to peak performance which are; perseverance, willpower, mindset, passion, thought control, and self-talk. Let’s explore each one separate in the remainder of the article.

Perseverance

Kottler suggests that of the six he identified, we are most familiar with the concept of perseverance and see it as day-to-day steadfastness that is fully committed to achievement. We are able to continue on regardless of the circumstances. Duckworth’s work suggests that people with more grit choose engagement with life and all of it’s challenges rather than pleasure as a pathway to happiness. Think about times you were the most “grittiest”. What achievements did you accomplish and what level of satisfaction did you derive from your success?

Napoleon Hill in “Think and Grow Rich” (written in 1937) believed that persistence was an essential factor in turning desire into action. He added that many throw their hands up in reaction to misfortune or opposition. In his book, he identified 16 symptoms of lack of persistence many of which are still relevant today. His symptoms include; failure to clearly define what one wants; wishing instead of willing, procrastination, searching for shortcuts, fear of criticism, and lack of interest in acquiring specialized knowledge.

John Medina in “Brain Rules” shares that our brains are wired to return to doing what we have always done. We need to stay consciously aware of the choices we are making in order to consistently take action towards our goals. Additionally, perseverance draws upon the energy of commitment to our goals which allows us to overcome the obstacles that we face. One strategy when faced with obstacles is to break the goal down into small actions that lead to success. Just doing one action each day towards your goal will build the momentum to keep you going when you want to give up.

Willpower

Numerous studies have demonstrated the influence of willpower on achievement. Two of the most important contributions are the findings around delay of gratification and willpower fatigue. Walter Michel’s early work on delay of gratification suggested that there is a “hot-and-cool” system which describes willpower failure or success. Michel suggested that the cool system is our cognitive thinking process, is more reflective, and provides rationale for why we should not engage in a behavior misaligned with our goals. The hot system represents our emotional triggers and our impulsive reactions to them. Michel theorized that when willpower does fail, the hot system wins out with regards to behaviors. From a brain perspective, these impulsive reactions create neuropathways in the brain which lead to responses to future triggers. For some, this is the work of developing and strengthening willpower.

A second theory suggest that we have a limited supply of willpower. Roy Baumeister in “Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength” shares that decision fatigue impacts the amount of willpower one has available. Baumeister shares that when we experience decision fatigue we are more likely to postpone or avoid a decision, give into our impulses, choose the default option and self-indulge. Conversely, we are also less likely to compromise.

How does one strengthen willpower? One of the best ways is to avoid temptation. James Clear in “Atomic Habits” advises that we should not only avoid temptations but use implementation intentions. Implementation intentions start with an “If-then” statement and prepare us for situations that may be impacted by impulsive decisions and situations in which we find it difficult to say no. Implementation intentions can help us improve upon our self-control thus strengthening willpower. Finally, research indicates that willpower is not ever fully exhausted even though we may feel like it. We still keep some in reserve and that’s what we have to tap into through using the right motivations.

Mindset

The Marriam-Webster dictionary defines mindset as both “a mental attitude or inclination and a state of mind.” Carol Dweck in “Mindset” shares that her perspective is that mindsets are a state of mind. When we have closed mindsets, we believe that personal qualities are unchangeable, personality and/or intelligence is unshakable, we tend to see failure as personal and rejecting, and hiding weaknesses is mandatory. When we have growth mindsets, we recognize that we can improve and change behaviors, we believe that the future presents opportunities for growth, we are more likely to build on talents, and see problems as challenges in need of solutions.

Modern biology and psychology have proven that we can grow at any point in our lives. Epigenetics offers us the concept that our genes can turn off and on as a response to triggers in the environment. Jessica Forrest in “Mindsets: Understanding Growth and Fixed Mindsets in Order to Think Positively for Powerful Results” shares that “most of our qualities can be changed through training, conditioning, and experience”. This concept also applies to brain plasticity. It is a heavily researched area that demonstrates that our brains have the capacity for change and growth at every age.

Passion

Kotler shares that when we have curiosity, passion and purpose, grit takes care of itself. Curiosity is foundational to passion and when curiosity ignites with passion the fire builds towards intrinsic motivation. Combine these two ingredients with meaning and purpose and the individual becomes unstoppable as the ingredients increase core performance traits of resilience, productivity, and focus.

Once we are fully aware of what gives life meaning, we can connect the dots to passion. If I were sitting with you and asked, “are you living into your passions”, what would your response be? Would you be able to answer that question quickly and clearly or would you need time to think about it? Cheryl Richardson in “Finding Your Passion” shares that we have to be able to access our feelings to find our passion. Passions come from our heart yet at the same time we can stifle them with our head. She continues with the concept that getting to the depth of our passions require a high degree of self-care. Without this self-care we are at the whim of the day-to-day urgent instead of slowing down long enough to recognize what we find exciting, joyful, and moving. This lack of connectedness also results in roadblocks to living passionately.

How do we discover our passions? Reflection becomes an essential component of discovery. Without that reflection we continue down a path that was many times predetermined for us by parents, siblings, friends, mentors and possibly even colleagues. Gay Hendricks in “The Big Leap” differentiates between the zone of excellence and zone of passion. He believes when we are in our zone of genius, we are living into our passions.

Thought Control

Our thinking can also be noisy and resulting from excessive input reducing our ability to calm the mind and control thoughts. Do your noisy thoughts lead to positive thinking or negative thinking? Our thoughts determine our emotional states. To borrow from Jim Loehr’s writings in “The Power of Story” our thoughts lead us into our emotional states which can be defined as opportunity based or fear based. Byron Katie in “Loving What Is” challenges us to examine how we feel when we think a thought with the statement “how do you feel when you think that thought?. She encourages us to consider the converse with the statement “How would you feel if you did not think that thought?” This brings power back to choices we can make about our thoughts.

Steven Hayes in “A Liberated Mind: How to Pivot to What Matters” encourages us to build flexibility skills to counter thoughts that are not taking us into what matters most to us. He shares that when we notice our thoughts from a curious perspective, remain open to emotions, stay in the present, and align values with habits we develop a greater ability to manage our thoughts. A major improvement in your life can happen when you are able to recognize and pay attention to your thoughts, particularly the negative ones, and transform them into more positive ones.

Self-Talk

The term self-talk often refers to that subconscious voice inside your head that chatters away at you. Sometimes called egocentric speech or discursive chatter, self-talk can become as unnoticeable as background music. For example, when you wake up each morning and look into the mirror, what are the voices saying? Do you need a haircut, need to lose weight, or need any number of improvements? Self-talk can be positive as well as negative. When self-talk is positive, it can uplift you when things aren’t going your way, bolster your self-confidence to try new activities and deepen relationships. But negative self-talk, on the other hand, can interfere with performance, put a black cloud over relationships and erode your self-esteem.
Self-talk has a number of sources. It can come from others-originating with messages received in childhood from parents, teachers and/or friends. It also comes from our successes and disappointments with life and the things we remember and reinforce about ourselves. The key here is that since it’s our self-talk, we own it. Once you begin to recognize the chatter, you can start to deal with the negativity and lower its intensity. Better still, you can take this powerful source of transformation and try to harness it into positive energy.

Susan David in “Emotional Agility” shares that we have a constant cineplex inside our heads creating chatter which then circulates self-defeating emotions, thoughts and behaviors. These emotions, thoughts and behaviors lead to stories we create about our thoughts and experiences. The more negative the story, the more intense the chatter. I frequently ask clients to stop throughout the day and listen to the chatter in their minds. It is only through self-awareness that we can begin to reduce the negativity and replace it with positive self-talk.

Grit has many facets that we can engage in to lift performance. Global IOC has an assessment that will help you determine which aspects of Peak Performance you can focus on and develop into strengths in 2022. Additionally, Global IOC offers an eight-week training program of which Grit is just one topic. For more information, go to Peak Performance Program – Global Institute of Organizational Coaching.

Unwinding the Negative Thinking Spiral

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colorful spiral

Unwinding the Negative Thinking Spiral

By Ursula Clidiere, Ph.D., CBC and Peggy Marshall, Ph.D., CMBC

 

Few of us need reminding that 2020 was a year that represented a massive call to action on so many fronts, but first and foremost, for the helping professions. Additionally, it was a double whammy for many as it challenged most helpers in their capability and capacity, mentally and physically, to help others.  It also presented us with our own needs for being helped, held, and supported.

For the Coaching profession, equally, it meant a period of stretching, learning, growth, further differentiation, research, and so much more. More importantly though, it probably made a few of us realize our own limitations in coaching others while trying to keep “all wheels on our own carriage”.

Why? Even though we were taking in mutual good advice, the good vibes, the tools, the reframing, … negativity at times creeps in like a snaky poison. Before stretching, we did learn more about our own failure than we probably ever wanted, before learning, it meant stumbling or falling. Nonetheless, as a profession we have also experienced a tremendous surge of peer support, learning opportunities (many free of charge!), networking, candor, and help. Yet, experiencing ourselves with a drop of anxiousness, and noticing what a drip of negativity can do to us, may have humbled us, and possibly broadened our own perspective, even filled us with more compassion.

Despite choosing the cloth of the Resilience Protective Factors discussed by Burger and Marshall  Nine Protective Factors of Resilience (globalioc.com) to drape around us, the negativity-poison can penetrate through. Sometimes in small trickly doses that shows itself as an indistinct gray shadow that gives the day a bit of a washed-out appearance. At other times, it might come as a more tidal affront that was difficult to ignore, kidnapping thought processes, and requiring repeated centering before pushing the ‘you are now connected with video’ button on Zoom. The shapes, shades and the duration of these sensations vary greatly but on bad days, it was a trip down the negativity spiral and back. So, what propels us into the negative thinking spiral and more importantly, how do we get back out?

Both Lisa Feldman Barrett in “Seven and a Half Lessons about the Brain” and Rick Hanson in “Hardwiring Happiness” propose that our brains are wired for negativity and threat.  Barrett’s research about the evolution of the brain concludes that the action we are required to take is to determine if something we are about to encounter is a foe or friend.  Similarly, Hanson shares that we once existed in an “eat or be eaten” environment that remains present today.  The challenge becomes that this evaluation of friend or foe or eat or be eaten happens mostly unconsciously.  Additionally, the evaluation becomes cumulative, so the experiences and thoughts pack a greater punch as they connect with one another.

Given these factors, the first step in getting out of the negative thinking spiral is to acknowledge that we are in it.  Shawn Achor in “Before Happiness” shares that we are the creators of our own reality and advises that we choose the most valuable reality.  This means choosing the reality that takes our interpretation of thoughts, events, and circumstances into the best future we can create for ourselves.  Stop and think for a moment.  Upon awaking, what were your first thoughts this morning?  Were you looking forward to the day or were you still thinking about things that happened yesterday or anticipating something unpleasant happening today based upon your calendar?  Whatever you were thinking about possibly came with a story.

As coaches we often guide clients in their narrative or the story of what is happening.  Jim Loehr in “The Power of The Story” shares that stories are powerful ways that we express ourselves. “Your story is your life,” says Loehr.  As human beings, we continually tell ourselves stories — of success or failure; of power or victimhood; stories that endure for an hour, or a day, or an entire lifetime. We have stories about our work, our families and relationships, our health; about what we want and what we are capable of achieving. Yet, while our stories profoundly affect how others see us and we see ourselves, too few of us even recognize that we are telling stories, or what they are, or that we can change them — and, in turn, transform our very destinies.

Emerging from our stories requires us to also evaluate self-talk that is created from the stories. Self-talk is a term that refers to the voices that chatter away in our heads.  Susan David in “Emotional Agility” refers to this chatter as “monkey mindedness” and guides the reader in challenging the thoughts that are not productive.  This constant chatter can be positive as well as negative.   When self-talk is positive, it can uplift you when things are not going your way, bolster your self-confidence to try new activities and deepen relationships. But negative self-talk, on the other hand, can interfere with performance, put a black cloud over relationships and erode your self-esteem.  Unwinding the negative thinking spiral challenges us to examine our self-talk and make changes accordingly.  The key here is that since it is our self-talk, we own it.  And if we own it, we can change it.

This article has provided just two ways to explore and possibly think differently about the negative thinking spiral along with ideas for changing it.  For more resources and tools on “Unwinding the Negative Thinking Spiral”  join, the Global IOC Wednesday Webinar on February 24 at 10 AM EST.  https://us02web.zoom.us/j/85671563794?pwd=TmNGbVNEYXc5LzdVcDdnUzhwdWhCdz09