“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how”
Even though clients are feeling the pull towards something different, it may not be enough for them to truly change a behavior. Simon Sinek in Start with Why shares that the “why” we are doing something is the most critical aspect of engaging in the new behavior. He suggests that everything we say and do proves what we believe. While Sinek applies his principles to a corporation, I believe that we can make these same applications to personal behavior change. What are client’s reasons for deciding to make a change? Do you think they are feeling it in their hearts and souls or are they feeling pressure from the outside to become different? When they make your list of “why” you want to change something, are you inspired by the list or do you feel compelled to change to make someone else happy?
Since the “why” is the most important first step in examining what gets in the way of our “whys” is crucial. Borrowing from Kurt Lewin’s change theory, the driving force for the new has to be stronger than the restraining force for the old; meaning your why has to be stronger than your why not. Additionally, Wayne Dyer in Excuses Be Gone shares that the power of our beliefs can keep us in a stuck position which can impact the “why”. Dyer continues with the analogy that these beliefs act as chains restricting us from experiencing our true destiny. When put this way, becoming unstuck is the motivation for us to solidify the “why” and remove excuses from our lives. Do you want to exercise more but believe that you do not have the time? Do you want to eat healthier, but your family won’t eat the healthier foods you choose? Do you want to focus on a change but have too much on your plate? Sometimes these excuses are extremely subtle, and we don’t even realize we are making them. This is a dangerous place to be as they will sabotage change efforts potentially giving us stronger beliefs towards the “why” not being achievable.
However, once you are crystal clear on your “why” and you are ready to leave your excuses behind, you begin identifying your “whats” and “hows”. In order to support your “why” in changing, you have to decide on “what” needs to happen for success. The “what” to change can sometimes be determined by the problem or issue that is creating the most concern in their lives. This means that ensuring the “what” is something that the client is willing and able to own. Another factor to consider is whether the “what” you are going to change could have an impact on something else that is a problem for you. For example, if you are trying to lose weight, an exercise program will help with that goal. Another example would be if you want to manage your time more effectively, it could have an impact on stress. When zeroing in on your “what” clients have to make sure that the benefit of change outweighs the cost of making it. It is critical that as we make choices about behavior changes we recognize that there is a cost to change. Making a list of what the change requires can help highlight the cost in such a way that you can be realistic about whether you are ready for that particular “what”. Finally, as Jack Canfield shares in Principles of Success, the secret to making your “what” work for you is breaking complex tasks into small manageable tasks in order to create milestones towards success.
The final step is getting clear about the “how”. You have crafted your “why”, you know “what” you are about to change, now the focus is on “how” to do it. As humans, we tend to focus in on one strategy while ignoring ones that might be equally effective. I like the number three when working with clients. What are three routes you could take to accomplishing your goal? Of those three strategies which ones are the best fit for your resources? Which one is the most powerful in that it will give you a quick start towards success? And which one will have the least amount of downside? As we evaluate options, we tend to favor one choice over another. In this step we have to guard against bias that doesn’t take us into complete success and be completely honest with ourselves when making the choice of “how”. Whatever you choose as your “how”, you have to be able to create excitement about the “how”. Chip Conley in Emotional Equations tells us that in order to be successful at anything we have to have a certain amount of drive or pull towards the new behavior. His equation of “Flow=Skill/Challenge” represents the best of the “how” component of change. Ultimately, you have to have the excitement about the new behavior in order for the new behavior to become part of the new you.
As we begin a new year, think about whether your “why” is strong enough to drive changes in your behaviors especially when facing challenges as you engage in them. Then ensure that your “what” and “how” are aligned with your “why”.