Dr. Peggy Marshall

We often hear the expression, “I am sick of the drama.”  Yet what does that mean exactly?  Emotional drama has a number of definitions.  In a survey conducted about drama, the biggest finding was the experience of the observer and the impact of drama on relationships.  Whether the relationships were at work or outside of work what was expressed by respondents was the toll that drama was taking on them emotionally as well as on the relationship.  All the descriptions were negative in nature with a few individuals even reporting what happens to them as they engage in drama themselves.  Drama in the workplace has reached elevated levels as individuals strain to address and cope with feelings that emerge.  This leave leaders in an unenviable position of finding resources and processes for coaching individuals and teams through drama episodes.

The Drama Cycle

There is a cycle that emerges with emotional drama.  Emotional drama starts with the individual’s experience of a thought, situation, or another person followed by a negative interpretation of the experience.   As the individual energizes the interpretation (meaning) in a negative framework and continues thinking about the thought, experience, or event an intensity begins to build.  This intensity adds fuel to the fire which results in an intense emotional hit.  This hit leads to an attempt to make sense of what is happening to the individual resulting in a story about the thought, experience, or event.  If the story becomes too difficult to contain, the individual (sender) will seek someone out to share the story with. The intention of sharing the story is “hooking” the receiver into believing the reality of the sender.  When the receiver is hooked the cycle begins again with the with the receiver now becoming the sender to others.

Thoughts, Experiences and Events

Together, thoughts, experiences, and events form the fabric of human existence, influencing our perceptions, emotions, behaviors, and interactions with the world around us. They are interconnected and constantly evolving, contributing to the rich tapestry of human consciousness and existence.

Although not every thought, experience or event is negative, we tend to view them as threats until we are able to reframe them as nonthreatening.  Dr. Rick Hanson in “Hardwiring Happiness” Change Your Brain and Your Life - Dr. Rick Hanson shares that our experiences are shaped by the thinking of our early ancestors.  For these individuals, determination about whether the situation being faced was a threat to survival or was harmless needed to happen quickly.  For expedience’s sake, most situations tended to be evaluated as negative before they were deemed safe.  When we experience people, situations, or thoughts as negative there is typically a judgment or negative meaning assigned to them.  In the meaning making models, this is called a discrepancy between the world we are experiencing and the world we want to experience.

Another form of experience is “emotional noise” which can also be a result of thinking.  "Emotional noise" is a term that describes the interference or disruption caused by excessive or overwhelming emotions in decision-making, communication, and cognitive processes. In discussing noise Shawn Achor in “Before Happiness,” Shawn Achor – Bringing the science of happiness to life offers that noise is information that is unusable, untimely, or hypothetical. However, he contends that our own negative thinking is the most dangerous type of noise.  Negative thinking can turn into negative messages to self in the form of self-talk.  Self-talk is a term that refers to the voices that chatter away in our heads.  For example, when you wake up each morning and look into the mirror, what are you saying to yourself?  Is this going to be the best day ever or are there numerous changes that must be made to appearance, other people or just life in general to be happy?  Negative self-talk can interfere with performance, damage relationships, erode self-esteem and leave you drained of energy.

Meaning Making

"Meaning making" is the next step in the cycle.  It refers to the cognitive and psychological process through which individuals construct or derive meaning from their experiences, beliefs, values, and interactions with the world around them. It is a fundamental aspect of human cognition and existential exploration, allowing individuals to interpret and understand their lives in meaningful ways.

Things become meaningful when we understand how we feel, think, and act and then align our behaviors with our feelings, thoughts, and actions shares Reinhard Stelter in “The Art of Dialogue in Coaching: Towards Transformative Exchange.”  The Art of Dialogue in Coaching | Institute of Coaching The meaning making process begins with an examination of our values which are central to our identity.  When the meaning making process is working effectively, individuals can step away from what is immediately in front of them to create moments of understanding and deepening self-awareness.  However, when a gap exists between what is wanted and expected and what is happening a faulty evaluation might be created leading to an emotional hit often referred to as a “trigger”.

The Emotional Hit

David Richo in “Triggers: How We can Stop Reacting and Start Healing” David Richo | Books, Video, CDs on Personal and Spiritual Unfolding (davericho.com) defines a trigger as “any word, person, event or experience that touches off an immediate emotional reaction”.  Emotions being felt run the gamut of a range of emotions which include anger, fear, panic, humiliation and even shame.  The author shares that “trigger” is an appropriate term for what is happening as the “gun” is in the hands of someone else.

Learning to name and understand what is being felt emotionally is the work of every individual.  Marc Brackett in “Permission to Feel” Home - Marc Brackett offers that all emotions provide individuals with information that allows for focusing and narrowing attention.  As has been discussed, emotions arise from appraisal of internal or external stimuli be they thoughts, experiences, or people. Brackett also believes that suppressing feelings only strengthens them and that only through engaging in a process that recognizes, understands, labels, expresses, and then regulates can we become proficient in addressing our emotions.

Constructing the Story

Stories are a way that we make sense of what is happening in our lives.  The stories start with us. The stories we tell ourselves, often referred to as self-narratives or self-talk, are the ongoing internal monologues and narratives that shape our beliefs, perceptions, and self-identity. These stories are the way we interpret and make sense of our experiences, both past and present. When personal stories go awry, they can have significant implications for an individual's sense of self, well-being, and relationships.

When individuals experience intense or strong emotions, they often look for an outlet through a story.  Jim Loehr in “The Power of Story” Books | Jim Loehr Performance Psychologist (jim-loehr.com) shares that stories are how individuals communicate with self and others.  "Your story is your life," says Loehr. As human beings, individuals continually tell stories -- of success or failure; of power or victimhood; stories that endure for an hour, or a day, or an entire lifetime. There are stories about work, families and relationships, health; about what is desired and how capabilities match those desires. Yet, while stories profoundly affect how others see us and we see ourselves, too few of us even recognize that we are telling stories, or what they are, or that we can change them -- and, in turn, transform our very destinies.

Giving the Story Away

When discussing emotional drama, "giving the story to others" implies communication, connection, and the transfer of information, emotions, or ideas from one person to another.  It is when the feelings become too intense for individuals to keep what is happening to themselves, they feel the need to “give it away”.  Venting emotions with the sole intention of seeking agreement from others can be counterproductive and may not lead to effective resolution or emotional regulation. While it is natural to seek validation and support from others, venting primarily to gain agreement may reinforce negative emotions rather than helping to address underlying issues.

Intervening

The points of intervention in emotional drama begin with the thought, experience, or event.  Learning to be the observer of these situations instead of the participant can prevent the igniting of the cycle.  Next the individual can evaluate the meaning being made for accuracy by asking what other explanations are possible.  It is a little more difficult to intervene as intense emotions are being felt yet using Marc Brackett’s RULER technique is a solid resource for emotional processing.  Finally, the individual can engage in activities that limit the need to share the story such as journaling or brisk exercise.

If this topic resonated with you, please join us on March 6 for a webinar that will expand upon Emotional Drama and provide resources that will help coaches and leaders address the issue.  Join the conversation with this Zoom link: https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89476852391

The field of coaching continues to evolve as research informs practice and client needs take center stage.  One recent evolution is called “third generation” coaching.  This includes the shift to embracing “thinking partnerships” with clients rather than being experts and advisors.  It is also slowing down from a solution focus and taking time to explore who the client is, based on values and understanding the meaning clients make from those values.  Instead of simply focusing on a goal, clients are also focusing on passion and purpose which requires coaches to use a different yet complementary set of skills when coaching. The intersection of compassionate coaching, eclectic coaching, third-generation coaching, and vertical development represents the highlights of the thinking partnership as it offers a comprehensive and integrated approach to personal and professional growth that encompasses cognitive, emotional, relational, and systemic dimensions.

Compassionate Coaching

Compassionate coaching is an approach to coaching that emphasizes empathy, kindness, and understanding in the coach-client relationship. It involves fostering a supportive and nonjudgmental environment where clients feel safe to explore their thoughts, feelings, and challenges. Compassionate coaches prioritize the well-being and growth of their clients and work collaboratively with them to achieve their goals and aspirations.

In their book "Resonant Leadership: Renewing Yourself and Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope, and Compassion," Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee discuss the role of compassion and empathy in effective leadership and coaching. They emphasize the importance of building trusting, empathetic relationships with others and creating environments that support growth, learning, and positive change.

Additionally, Boyatzis has written about the concept of "coaching with compassion" as part of his research on emotional intelligence and coaching effectiveness. He suggests that compassionate coaching involves not only providing feedback and guidance but also empathizing with clients' experiences, validating their emotions, and supporting their personal and professional development with care and understanding.

Principles and characteristics of compassionate coaching include empathy and understanding, nonjudgmental support, positive regard and respect, collaborative partnership, focus on well-being, strength-based approach, encouragement, and self-compassion.  Overall, compassionate coaching embodies the qualities of empathy, kindness, and understanding, creating a nurturing and empowering environment for clients to explore, grow, and thrive. By fostering a deep sense of connection and trust, compassionate coaches empower clients to overcome obstacles, unlock their potential, and create positive change in their lives.

Third Generation Coaching

Third generation coaching refers to an approach to coaching that emphasizes a holistic and systemic perspective, focusing not only on individual goals and behaviors but also on the broader context in which individuals operate. This approach integrates elements from various coaching models, theories, and disciplines to address the complex interplay between individuals, organizations, and society.

Elements of third generation coaching include systems thinking, contextual awareness, co-creative partnership, focus on meaning and purpose, strength-based approaches, ethical and social responsibility, and integrative practices.  It moves beyond models, processes, and theories to an integrational view of coaching inclusive of the aforementioned principles.

Several authors have contributed to the definition and understanding of third generation coaching. Clutterbuck in "Coaching the Team at Work" shares the principles and practices of team coaching and the need to align with the systemic and relational focus of third generation coaching. Nancy Kline, the author of "Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind," emphasizes the importance of creating a thinking environment in coaching and leadership development. Her work promotes deep listening, inquiry, and reflection, which are central to the principles of third generation coaching.  Reinhard Stelter, a Danish psychologist and professor shares that values, meaning making and co-creative partnerships are central to coaching and that coaching is primarily focused on facilitating transformative change in clients' lives. This involves supporting clients in exploring their values, beliefs, and aspirations, and aligning their actions with their authentic selves.

Overall, third generation coaching represents an evolution of coaching practice that embraces complexity, interconnectedness, and the inherent dignity and potential of individuals within larger systems. By adopting a systemic and holistic approach, coaches in the third generation help clients navigate change, cultivate resilience, and thrive in an increasingly complex and dynamic world.

Eclectic Coaching

Eclectic coaching is an approach to coaching that draws on a variety of techniques, theories, and methodologies from different schools of thought. Rather than adhering strictly to one specific coaching model or framework, eclectic coaches tailor their approach to the unique needs, goals, and preferences of their clients. They integrate elements from various coaching approaches, disciplines, and modalities to create a customized coaching experience that is most effective for the individual client.

Characteristics and principles of eclectic coaching include flexibility, integration of techniques, client centered approach, holistic perspective, continuous learning, and development, non-dogmatic, and results oriented.  While eclectic coaches may use a variety of techniques and methodologies, they remain focused on helping their clients achieve their desired outcomes and results. They monitor progress, provide accountability, and adjust their approach as needed to ensure that clients make meaningful progress towards their goals.

Jonathan Passmore in his book "Excellence in Coaching: The Industry Guide," discusses the importance of flexibility and adaptability in coaching, advocating for an eclectic approach that draws from multiple coaching models and techniques.  Taking a self-coaching approach, Tony Grant and Jane Greene in "Coach Yourself: Make Real Changes in Your Life," explore self-coaching techniques and strategies. Their work also acknowledges the importance of an eclectic approach to coaching, where individuals can draw from a range of tools and methods to support their personal development.

Overall, eclectic coaching offers a flexible and dynamic approach to supporting individuals in achieving personal and professional growth and development. By integrating diverse techniques and perspectives, eclectic coaches can meet the unique needs of each client and facilitate transformative change in their lives.

 Vertical Development

Vertical development in organizations refers to the process through which individuals, teams, and entire organizations evolve and mature in their cognitive, emotional, and moral capacities. Unlike horizontal development, which involves acquiring new skills or knowledge within a particular domain, vertical development entails progressing to higher stages of complexity, depth, and maturity in how individuals and groups make sense of themselves, others, and the world around them.  Vertical development in organizations focuses on leadership development, organizational culture, team dynamics, change management, performance management and learning and development programs at every level.

Authors who have contributed to this body of work include Robert Kegan, Suzanne Cook-Greuter, Bill Torbet, and Otto Laske.  Kegan in "The Evolving Self," introduced the concept of "orders of consciousness," which describes different stages of cognitive and emotional development that individuals progress through over their lifespan.  Cook-Grueter developed the "Maturity Assessment for Professionals" (MAP), which assesses individuals' stage of ego development based on Kegan's framework. Her research emphasizes the importance of self-awareness and reflective practice in facilitating vertical development.  Torbet’s research focused on "action logics" and describes different ways of making meaning and leading in organizations, ranging from more conventional, rule-based approaches to more complex, adaptive, and interdependent ways of leading. Finally, Laske offers a framework which emphasizes the importance of dialectical thinking, perspective-taking, and self-authorship in facilitating vertical development.

These authors, among others, have contributed to the understanding of vertical development and its implications for personal, professional, and organizational growth. Their work highlights the importance of ongoing learning, self-reflection, and transformative experiences in fostering higher levels of cognitive, emotional, and moral complexity. Vertical development in organizations is crucial for fostering adaptive, resilient, and innovative workplaces that can thrive in today's complex and rapidly changing environments. Overall, vertical development in organizations is essential for building adaptive, resilient, and high-performing workplaces that can thrive in today's complex and dynamic business environment. By prioritizing personal and collective growth, organizations can unlock their full potential and achieve sustainable success.

In summary, the intersection of compassionate coaching, eclectic coaching, third-generation coaching, and vertical development offers a holistic and integrated approach to coaching and personal development. Coaches draw from a diverse array of tools, techniques, and theories to create a supportive and empowering coaching environment that honors the uniqueness and complexity of each client's journey. By embracing principles of compassion, flexibility, transformation, and growth, coaches can facilitate deep and sustainable change that enhances individuals' well-being, effectiveness, and fulfillment in all aspects of their lives.

Join us for a webinar on April 3, 2024 at 11 AM EST for a deeper discussion of “The Critical Thinking Partnership in Coaching"

Click here to register for this Webinar.

 

 

 

If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion. ~ Dalai Lama

Compassion

Compassion is a fundamental ingredient in human empathy and understanding and includes the ability to recognize the suffering of others and to take action to help alleviate that suffering. It involves empathy, kindness, and a desire to make a positive difference in the lives of others. Cultivating compassion often involves developing qualities such as patience, tolerance, and forgiveness. It can be expressed through small acts of kindness, such as offering a listening ear to someone in need, or through larger efforts, such as volunteering or advocating for social justice issues.

Practicing compassion can have numerous benefits, both for the person showing compassion and for those receiving it. It can strengthen relationships, foster a sense of connection and belonging, and promote overall well-being. Additionally, acts of compassion can contribute to creating a more empathetic and supportive society. Ultimately, compassion is a powerful force for good in the world, promoting understanding, healing, and a sense of shared humanity.

Authors who have written on compassion include Brene' Brown and Mary Beth O’Neil.  While Brené Brown is more widely known for her work on vulnerability, shame, and courage, she also addresses the topic of compassion in several of her books, talks, and interviews. Brown emphasizes the importance of compassion as a key component of connection, empathy, and wholehearted living.  In her famous TED Talk on vulnerability, Brown distinguishes between empathy and sympathy. She describes empathy as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, while sympathy involves feeling sorry for someone else's misfortune. Brown emphasizes the importance of empathy in building meaningful connections and fostering compassion.

Mary Beth O'Neill focuses on compassionate leadership and the integration of empathy and understanding in professional contexts. She places emphasis on the importance of compassionate leadership in her coaching approach.  In her book "Executive Coaching with Backbone and Heart: A Systems Approach to Engaging Leaders with Their Challenges," she explores how leaders can effectively navigate challenges with both strength and compassion. She advocates for a balanced approach that combines accountability ("backbone") with support and empathy ("heart").  Additionally, O'Neill believes that compassionate leadership involves creating a supportive and inclusive work environment where employees feel valued, respected, and empowered. Finally, she emphasizes the role of empathy in understanding and addressing the needs of team members, fostering trust and collaboration, and driving organizational success.

Self-Compassion

Individuals often find it easier to extend compassion to others yet struggle with compassion for self.  Self-compassion refers to treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and acceptance, particularly in times of failure, struggle, or suffering. It involves extending the same level of empathy, support, and care to oneself that one would typically offer to a close friend or loved one facing similar difficulties. Self-compassion encompasses three main components, as proposed by Kristin Neff, which include self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.  Self-Kindness involves being gentle with oneself rather than harshly self-critical. Instead of berating oneself for mistakes or shortcomings, self-kindness encourages responding with warmth, encouragement, and forgiveness.  Common Humanity recognizes that imperfection, failure, and suffering are universal experiences shared by all human beings. Finally, Mindfulness involves observing one's thoughts and emotions without judgment, allowing for a balanced perspective on oneself and one's experiences. Mindfulness helps individuals approach their inner experiences with openness and curiosity, without becoming overly identified with negative thoughts or emotions.

A number of authors have written extensively about self-compassion, offering insights, research findings, and practical exercises to cultivate this important aspect of emotional well-being. They include Tara Brach, Sharon Salzberg, Paul Gilbert and Brene' Brown.   Tara Brach examined the intersection of mindfulness and self-compassion in her book "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha." She offers teachings, guided meditations, and personal stories to help readers cultivate self-compassion and acceptance.  Sharon Salzberg explored the role of compassion, including self-compassion, in meditation and personal transformation. Her book "Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness" Sharon Salzberg offers teachings and practices for cultivating loving-kindness and compassion toward oneself and others.  Paul Gilbert has written extensively about compassion-focused therapy and the importance of self-compassion in mental health. His book "The Compassionate Mind: A New Approach to Life's Challenges" connected the evolutionary and psychological roots of compassion and offers practical exercises for cultivating self-compassion.  Finally, Brown delved into the process of overcoming setbacks and failures with compassion and resilience. She emphasizes the importance of self-compassion and empathy in navigating difficult emotions and experiences. Additionally, Brown suggests that self-compassion is a key ingredient to Wholehearted living.

Research suggests that cultivating self-compassion can have numerous psychological and emotional benefits, including reduced levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, increased resilience and coping skills in the face of adversity, greater emotional well-being and satisfaction with life, improved self-esteem and self-confidence, and more satisfying interpersonal relationships.

Practicing self-compassion involves intentionally nurturing a compassionate attitude toward oneself through various techniques such as mindfulness meditation, self-compassion exercises, journaling, and cognitive reframing. By treating oneself with kindness and understanding, individuals can foster greater resilience, well-being, and overall mental health.

What Hinders Self Compassion

There are numerous thoughts and behaviors that hinder self-compassion.  A major hinderance is internalized self-criticism and harsh self-judgment which can undermine self-compassion. When our self-talk constantly berates for perceived flaws or mistakes, it is challenging to extend kindness and understanding to ourselves.  Fear of being vulnerable or appearing weak may also prevent us from showing compassion to ourselves or others. We may equate self-compassion with self-pity or view compassion as a sign of weakness rather than strength. The impact of cultural and societal norms can influence how we perceive and express compassion. In cultures that prioritize individualism or competitiveness, showing compassion may be perceived as a sign of dependency or inadequacy.  Perfectionism can be a trap that often leads to self-criticism and harsh self-evaluation, making it difficult to accept ourselves with kindness and understanding. Early childhood trauma may lead to feelings of shame, self-blame, or unworthiness, making it challenging to practice self-compassion. Constantly comparing ourselves to others and feeling envious of their successes, especially in respect to social media, can undermine self-compassion. When we focus on what we lack or perceive ourselves as inferior, it is challenging to extend compassion to ourselves or others.   Sometimes, a lack of awareness or mindfulness about our thoughts and emotions can prevent us from recognizing the need for self-compassion when we are caught up in automatic patterns of self-criticism or neglect our own emotional needs.  Finally, some individuals struggle to receive compassion from others due to feelings of unworthiness or discomfort with vulnerability. This difficulty in receiving compassion can also extend to self-compassion, making it challenging to offer kindness and understanding to oneself.  Overcoming these barriers often requires self-awareness, self-compassion practices, and sometimes therapy or counseling to address underlying issues such as trauma or perfectionism. By recognizing and challenging these barriers, clients can cultivate a greater capacity for compassion toward themselves and others.

Expanding and strengthening compassion and self-compassion as a person and as a coach contributes to effective coaching as it builds trust, enhances communication, facilitates growth, empowers clients, promotes self-reflection, cultivates positive change, and creates a ripple effect of transformation and growth.  It is also an essential ingredient in the critical thinking partnership between coach and client.

For more tools and resources for expanding compassion in your coaching practice, join our complimentary webinar on “The Critical Thinking Partnership in Coaching” on April 3 at 11 AM EST.

To register for the webinar, click here

“Argue for your limitations and they become you”
---Richard Bach

Frequently clients come to coaching because they feel stuck. Stuck is a term often used to describe the psychological and behavioral patterns associated with feeling trapped or unable to progress in one's life. While not formally a scientific term, it shares various concepts within psychology and related fields that explore why individuals feel trapped and how they build strategies to overcome inaction.

Anyone who has felt stuck knows how uncomfortable this situation feels. And yet, we must ask ourselves if there are any benefits to remaining stuck. Britt Frank in “The Science of Stuck” shares nine benefits of staying stuck.

Energy conservation. Believe it or not, our brains try to conserve energy through habits. Once a habit is formed, the brain can execute it with minimal conscious effort, thereby conserving energy that would otherwise be required for decision-making and conscious processing.

Image preservation. Image preservation involves managing how one is perceived by others. There is also an element of risk management that is associated with image preservation. Moving forward and not achieving success can lead others to view the individual differently. Think about the successful people you read about all the time in social media. One failure determines how they are seen overall rather than as a one-time event.

Included often in image preservation is the fear of failure. This can paralyze individuals and prevent them from taking risks or pursuing goals that could lead to personal growth and fulfillment. Fear of failure is often intertwined with what others will think.

Control. Dr. Frank also shares that by keeping ideas and thoughts safely in our heads, we have control over them. However, when keeping ideas and thoughts safely in our heads primarily to protect and preserve action, maintain privacy, and safeguard sensitive information we lose out on opportunities for growth. Yet, control does keep us safe because we set the limitations and those limitations become us.

Familiarity. We resonate with that which is familiar. Familiarity can be found in routines, environments, people, and even in certain emotions or experiences. Gay Hendricks in “The Big Leap”, argues that many individuals remain stuck in their "Zone of Excellence" or "Zone of Competence," where they are proficient but not truly fulfilled.

Financial Security. Taking financial risks, such as starting a new business or changing jobs or roles, can be intimidating. Staying in a familiar situation, even if it is not ideal, can feel safer than risking financial instability by pursuing something new. And of course, the question to be answered is what if it does not work out? What if it does???

Relationship Equilibrium. There is no question that when one changes, relationships change. Overall, how change impacts a relationship depends on various factors, including the nature of the change, the resilience of the individuals involved, and the quality of communication and support within the relationship. Open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to adapt are key factors in successfully navigating change in relationships.

Other Factors That Keep Us Stuck

Cognitive Biases. Certain cognitive biases, such as confirmation bias and anchoring bias, can contribute to feelings of being stuck by limiting one's perspective and ability to see alternative solutions or opportunities. Many times, when individuals have cognitive biases, they align with others who have those shared confirmation biases. Seeking out advice from others who share the same biases is a recipe for remaining stuck.

Limiting Beliefs. Beliefs about oneself, the world, and one's capabilities can influence behavior and contribute to feeling stuck. These limiting beliefs may stem from past experiences, societal influences, or self-perception and can become the excuses we make for inability to move forward. Limiting beliefs sound like; I am not good enough; I do not deserve success; I am too old/young; I am afraid to fail; I do not have enough money/resources; I am not smart/talented enough; I am too busy; I am afraid of rejection. When these and other limiting beliefs remain unchallenged and continue to circulate as thought patterns, they become fulfilling prophecies.

Lack of Clarity and Direction. Uncertainty about one's goals, values, or purpose can contribute to feeling stuck. Without a clear sense of direction, individuals may struggle to take decisive action or make progress toward their objectives. Connors, Smith, and Hickman in “The Oz Principle” share that sometimes when individuals have lack of clarity they engage in “wait and see” behaviors.  They recognize that they have some responsibility for their situation but adopt a passive approach, waiting for others to solve the problem or for circumstances to change on their own.

Inertia. Marshall Goldsmith in “What Got You Here, Won’t Get You There”,  emphasizes that inertia can be a significant barrier to change and growth, particularly for successful individuals who have achieved a certain level of status or accomplishment.  The author adds that that inertia is the tendency to maintain the status quo and resist change, even when it may be beneficial or necessary. This inertia can manifest in various ways, such as complacency, reluctance to take risks, or clinging to outdated habits and beliefs.

Strategies for Overcoming Being Stuck

By addressing inertia head-on and actively pursuing change, individuals can unlock new opportunities for growth, innovation, and success. Goldsmith's thought leadership emphasizes the importance of overcoming complacency and embracing continuous improvement as keys to thriving in an ever-changing world. The author shares four strategies for overcoming inertia. First, we need to recognize and create awareness about the underlying reasons that block forward progress. Next, taking full accountability for both our beliefs and actions along with honoring commitments made to change. Third, seeking feedback from trusted others about any blind spots that may be showing up and impeding progress. This could even be a coach or trusted advisor who can support your growth. Finally, celebrating the small wins. Big change happens through a series of baby steps. In this strategy ensure that milestones are set and celebrated not just the final outcomes.

Returning to Gay Hendricks in “The Big Leap,” we can begin to think of “The Zone of Genius” as a guide for the highest level of personal achievement and fulfillment. According to Hendricks, making the leap into the Zone of Genius requires overcoming self-imposed limitations and fears, such as the fear of success, the fear of failure, or the fear of outshining others. It involves identifying and embracing one's unique gifts and passions, as well as cultivating a mindset of abundance and possibility.

A few of Hendrick’s strategies include:
Identification of limiting beliefs. If you are not sure whether you have any, reflect on the question “what might get in my way as I pursue this goal”? You can also ask trusted friends and family if they have seen you express any limiting beliefs. And lastly, if these beliefs are deeply buried, you might consider coaching or counseling.

Awareness. Develop a practice of mindfulness to become more aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Mindfulness can help you recognize when you are engaging in self-sabotaging patterns and make conscious choices to change them. Reflection questions such as “what was I thinking before that action” can help surface the obstacles to forward movement.

Challenge your inner critic. Notice the voice of your inner critic and challenge its negative messages. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion and encouragement. Remember that you are capable of more than you think. A turnaround strategy used in the Global IOC curriculum is four statements taken from Byron Katie in “Loving What Is.”   Is it true, is it really true, how do you feel when you think that way, and how would you feel if you let go of that thought?

Lean into discomfort. Growth often requires stepping outside of your comfort zone, your Zone of Excellence. Embrace discomfort as a sign that you are pushing your limits and growing. Instead of avoiding challenges, lean into them with curiosity and courage. Also, as Stephen Guise in “Mini-Habits” advises, limit the amount of time you lean into that discomfort to what you can tolerate.  Then extend the time spent on actions taken gradually.

Cultivate Gratitude. Cultivate a daily practice of gratitude to shift your focus from what is lacking to what is abundant in your life. Gratitude can help you maintain a positive mindset and overcome feelings of scarcity or inadequacy.

Release Limiting People, Places and Things. Evaluate your relationships and environments and identify any that may be holding you back or reinforcing limiting beliefs. Create boundaries or distance yourself from relationships that are not supportive of your growth. A reflection about what energizes and what drains can help to categorize people, places and things while providing an opportunity to eliminate the “low hanging fruit.”

Surround yourself with supportive people. Follow the release of the above by surrounding yourself with people who believe in you and support your growth. Seek out mentors, coaches, and peers who can offer guidance, encouragement, and accountability.

Practice Self-Care. It is essential to take care of your physical, mental, and emotional well-being. Prioritize activities that recharge and rejuvenate you, such as exercise, meditation, hobbies, and spending time with loved ones. Notice which stories take you into the best version of self and which ones take you away.

By identifying and addressing the factors that contribute to feeling stuck, individuals can take steps to regain a sense of agency and move forward in their lives.

Please join us on May 1 at 11 AM EST for a webinar on the topic of “Getting Unstuck”. We will be discussing strategies for helping clients move forward with personal growth and change. https://us02web.zoom.us/j/89476852391

 

 

“Most everything that you want is just outside your comfort zone.”
- Jack Canfield

Baseball season is upon us in the United States.  It reminds me of a time when my daughter was an All-State high school softball pitcher. During one game with an intense rival, her team lost, and she was the losing pitcher.  As we processed the game, she told me that what took her off course was that the umpire changed the strike zone.  When I shared that comment with a colleague (who was ribbing me about the loss) he asked, “aren’t we supposed to adjust when the strike zone changes?”  That response has stuck with me over the years as it’s a great question.  Isn’t this what is happening with our VUCA (Volatile, Uncertain, Complex, and Ambiguous) worlds?  Our comfort zones are being stretched every day.

Let’s take a look at the comparison between baseball and VUCA worlds.

The Fast Ball
For most people, life does move too fast.  We are overcommitted at work and at home with precious little time for ourselves to maintain our balance.  We don’t have time to nourish our bodies or for the activities that feed our souls.  Rather we seem to be chasing the ever-changing brass ring that we believe will lead us to happiness.  We tell ourselves that if we slow down others will pass us up and gain the very things we want.

In their book, "Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World",  Williams and Penman present mindfulness as a practical tool for managing stress, anxiety, depression and slowing down.  The term “mindfulness" emphasizes the importance of cultivating present-moment awareness and developing a non-judgmental attitude toward one's thoughts and feelings. Through guided meditations, exercises, and practical advice, the authors share a step-by-step guide to incorporating mindfulness into daily lives and finding peace amidst the busyness of modern life.

The Curve Ball
We make and live by plans and many times those plans are disrupted by life events.  Curves are the storms in our lives from the big ones like losing jobs, serious illness and ending relationships to flat tires, common colds, and dealing with relationship problems.  With the curve balls, it’s important to examine what we are saying about the curve.  We will find our stories in the curves. Our stories empower or disempower us.  They provide us with a list of excuses about why we cannot overcome the storms.  They take us closer to what’s most important or they derail us.  To overcome the storms, we must develop resilience.

In her book "Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance," Duckworth explores the factors that contribute to a person's ability to persevere in the face of challenges and setbacks. She emphasizes the importance of developing a growth mindset, setting clear goals, and cultivating a sense of purpose as key components of grit. Duckworth's research suggests that individuals who possess grit are better equipped to withstand adversity and bounce back from failures. They can maintain focus and determination even when faced with obstacles, setbacks, or criticism.

The Change-Up
While the curve and change-up are similar, the change-up will explore how change in all of its various forms impacts us.  Do you find yourself locked into the same behaviors and same routines even though you know you need to make changes?  Facing needed changes brings up the very worst fears in us.  If we don’t change, we know what we have.  Changing requires us to walk into the unknown.  Depending upon how much we resist change, the list of disadvantages to making change can greatly outweigh the advantages, giving us reasons to remain stuck.  We may not like the feeling of being stuck but at least we know what we have.

Several authors have provided insights into change.  William Bridges in "Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes” emphasizes the psychological and emotional processes involved in moving from one stage or situation to another and offers practical advice for managing transition periods effectively.  Susan Jeffers addresses the fear of change and uncertainty in her book "Feel the Fear...and Do It Anyway."  In the book, she offers practical strategies for overcoming anxiety and building confidence in the face of change, encouraging readers to take risks and embrace new experiences.  Finally, Daniel Pink in “Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us," focuses on the factors that influence human motivation, including our response to change. He discusses how autonomy, mastery, and purpose can help individuals adapt to and thrive in rapidly changing environments.

The Rise Ball 

The rise ball starts low and continues to rise.  Rise balls represent our successes.  Do we continue to believe in limitless potential or do we place obstacles in our own paths.  There is a quote I have heard often that states “Argue for your limitations, and they become yours”.  Do you argue for your limitations or are you exploring ways to move beyond them.   Hendricks in “The Big Leap” discusses what he calls “upper limit problems” which are essentially barriers that individuals often create unconsciously to limit their success and happiness.  He shares that these upper limits are rooted in deep-seated beliefs about unworthiness, guilt, and fear of failure or success. They can manifest in various forms, such as procrastination, self-doubt, conflicts in relationships, or engaging in self-destructive behaviors.  It is through addressing the “upper limit problems” and breaking free from self-imposed limitations, that individuals can rise to their full potential and experience greater levels of happiness, success, and well-being in all areas of life.

The Umpire
The umpire represents our own inner critic.  The inner critic is an internal voice or narrative that often manifests as self-criticism, doubt, or judgment toward oneself. It's that voice in your head that tends to be hypercritical, focusing on perceived flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings. This critical inner voice can undermine self-confidence, create feelings of inadequacy, and lead to anxiety and self-doubt.

Brene' Brown's books, "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "Daring Greatly," focus on vulnerability and shame and speak to the inner critic. She shares ideas on how to recognize and challenge the self-critical voice to cultivate a more authentic and wholehearted life.  Kristin Neff also provides guidance about the inner critic in her book "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself".  The book shares practical exercises and techniques for quieting the inner critic and cultivating self-compassion. While the inner critic can serve as a protective mechanism in certain situations, such as helping us recognize areas for improvement, it becomes problematic when it dominates our thoughts and undermines our self-esteem and well-being.

The Fans
Fans can energize us or drain us.  Have you ever noticed how certain people draw others to them. They are typically upbeat, charismatic, positive and energizing.  They leave us excited about our own potential and possibilities.  In his books "The Happiness Advantage and “Big Potential," Shawn Achor shares the significant impact that positive relationships can have on overall well-being and success. He advocates for the importance of cultivating positive social connections and surrounding oneself with people who uplift and inspire. The transformative power of positive relationships and the importance of surrounding oneself with individuals who encourage personal development, growth, and happiness cannot be ignored.

The analogy of a baseball or softball game represents the different speeds and locations of the pitches, the fans, and the umpires which can take us out of our comfort zone into life’s challenges. When life moves the strike zone on us, we have at least two options for reacting to the movement; to see the storms as a challenge that we can overcome or as a challenge that takes us out of the game.   However, we can create options for success in navigating through storms by making different choices.  We always have choices and even if we don’t make the best choices in the beginning of a challenge, we can always rethink the challenge and successfully move through it!